Soldier On
by Streaks of Hail
Summary: Raven is scared. It's not a word she throws around easily, not one that she tosses out for any old reason. But Raven is also truthful. And the truth is, she is scared (or, Raven goes on a journey of self-recovery and realises what salvation really is).


**DISCLAIMER: **I do not own any part of The 100, and never will.

**AUTHOR'S NOTES: **Hello there! This is actually my first story on the 100, so I'm not actually sure how good it is. I'm rather new to the show, but I'd like to say that I know enough to get by. I decided to write this because I was struck by Raven's bravery in Inclement Weather, and she's actually my favourite character.

Besides, the fandom's flooded with Bellarke (not that there's a problem with that), and I felt the need to add something different.

_Beware of spoilers for season two!_

**SOLDIER ON**

Raven is scared.

It's not a word she throws around easily, not one that she tosses out for any old reason. But Raven is also truthful. And the truth is, she is scared. So, so scared. She's afraid for so many different reasons; she's scared for herself, scared for her friends, scared for the future. The list goes on and on and on. It seems bizarre to think that once upon a time, she had been happy. The youngest zero-g mechanic to ever hit the Ark.

Well, she's still the youngest zero-g mechanic to ever hit the Ark. But now she's on Earth. The planet which she had only ever dreamed of for the longest time. The mysterious planet in which she had only ever seen through the windows of the Ark. The beautiful green land, the broiling blue of the sea. The wisps of clouds that obscured some of the land.

Now she was on land. The soil beneath her feet, the air so sweet. The food fresh, the water clean and refreshing. It's everything she's ever dreamed of and even more. But they aren't alone.

And despite the beauty of the planet they are on - beautiful, beautiful planet Earth - things are more horrifying than they ever were on the Ark. Sometimes, she used to curl up in her tent and squeeze her eyes shut and pretend that everything was okay. That everything was like one of those old movies or books that she'd found by chance one day on the Ark.

She doesn't do that anymore. Raven - awake through surgery, shot, possibly-paralysed Raven - is fully aware of reality. She doesn't kid herself anymore. Everything is a possibility - everything except salvation. Because as much as anyone prays, no one is coming down to help them. No one. There's no one else out there, no one but the crew of the Ark, the 100 and the Grounders that live on the land. No one but her friends.

And that's why she sent Finn to go after them. She's still heartbroken over him, of course. She had given him her all, she had tried to shape herself into everything he had ever wanted. Turns out, the only thing he'd ever wanted was someone like Clarke. Pretty, blonde, a natural leader with healing abilities and a huge heart. Of course, she resents Clarke. But only a little bit.

Because the simple truth is, it wasn't ever Clarke's fault. She didn't know about her and Finn. She can't help it. It's Finn's fault, really. But Raven can't bring herself to hate him. So she hates herself instead. She hates the Grounders, hates Earth, hates the Ark.

When she wakes up again, Finn's not there. Of course. She did send him away, but a tiny part of her had hoped that he would argue the tiniest bit more; declare that he still loves her. But maybe she's just going delirious.

Raven cries. She cries in silence, alone and in the dark.

She's scared.

...

The next person to visit her is Abby, with a sympathetic look on her face and a cotton swab in her hand.

"Tests?" Is all she can choke out, and Abby nods.

"I need you to roll over, so I can check your wounds and change it."

It's silent for a long moment as Abby helps her move over, and she almost cries at the pain of the whole thing. When Abby is preparing to dress her wound, she speaks again. "Finn. Did he make it out okay?"

Abby gives her a surprised look. "How did you know that I helped them?"

Raven manages a tight smile that comes out as more of a grimace. "Clarke."

"Yes," Abby gives a sharp nod, glancing about her warily. "Finn, Bellamy, Murphy and the others are gone."

It's always about Clarke, isn't it? Finn went to save Clarke. Bellamy went to save Clarke. Abby disobeyed orders to save Clarke. Murphy didn't shoot _Clarke_. Clarke, Clarke, Clarke.

It's not fair. She's not surprised when she feels the first hot tear drip down her cheek, although whether it's from pain or emotion she can't tell. "Murphy?"

"Bellamy broke him out of jail," Abby explains.

"Why?" She still feels resent for Murphy, of course. But something happened when they were dying together. Bonding. It comes with the inevitable feeling of dying, she thinks. He'd revealed just that tiny bit of herself and she'd found it in her heart to feel a little bit sorry for him. But only a little bit.

Because whatever the situation, she still might be paralysed. And the very idea of being crippled (because that's how she thinks of it; crippled) scares her to death, and she half-wishes that she'd never come down to Earth.

She'd come down for Finn. Look how well that had turned out, even after only ten days.

Raven looks up to realise that Abby's been watching her, and that she hasn't really been listening.

Abby seems to realise, as she offers her a reassuring smile. "You're going to be okay, Raven."

"You don't know that," she answers. Her words feel heavy in her mouth and she wants nothing more than to fall asleep and slip into the safety of dreams.

"You're a fighter. You'll be okay." Abby turns away to run her hand down her right leg. "Can you feel that?"

"Yes," Raven responds. At least her leg hasn't gotten any worse. Her heart leaps in her throat when Abby reaches for the other leg.

"And this?"

Nothing. There's nothing at all. No whispers, no tingling. Like radio silence.

She doesn't say anything, but tears slip down her face and Abby tightens her expression into one of sympathy.

After a moment, Raven finally speaks, her voice thick. "I'm tired."

"Get some rest," Abby soothes. "You'll feel better in the morning."

"That's not what I meant." But Abby is already gone, and now she's alone, quaking and crying. This is not what she envisioned her future on Earth to be.

...

The next few days are spent alone. No one visits but Abby, and the occasional adult. Abby, who brings her fold and regular check ups and asks her how she's feeling. The answer is always the same. Tired. Raven is tired.

Her legs show progress, but her left one does nothing. She settles into routines.

Sleep late into the morning. Wake up for lunch. Answer questions obediently for interrogators. Talk to Abby. Go through her usual check up. Attempt to pry information about Finn, Bellamy and the others. Eat, then sleep. Rinse and repeat.

She gets a lot of time to think. She doesn't want to think. She's tired of thinking.

...

It's a few days later when she finally feels something in her leg. She almost cries in relief, but instead she shouts for Abby and the older woman comes running with a terrified expression on her face, like she's scared she'll turn up to see Raven dying.

But instead of dying, Raven flashes a weak smile. "I can feel it."

They celebrate, and Raven cries tears of choked relief. She wonders where Finn and the others are. Whether they're thinking about her. Reality tells her that they're probably not, that they're probably too busy trying to find the others and stay alive in the process.

For the first time, she sees the first glimmers of light on the horizon. Not salvation - she still doesn't believe in that. But something bright. Something warm; welcoming. Hope.

Raven has hope.

...

The next day, Abby doesn't show up. Worry wracks through her when a cheerful girl shows up instead, doing her job efficiently but gingerly. She chatters all throughout the times she's taking care of Raven, and she soon learns that the girl's name is Ava.

Ava doesn't ever shut up, and it's all she can do not to slap the woman in the face. Instead, she cuts her off in the middle of a sentence.

"Where's Abby?"

Ava looks surprised, although she doesn't stop in her actions of squeezing out a dirty cloth and rinsing it in a basin of water. "She's in punishment."

"Punishment?" Various thoughts flash through her mind warily, and she pushes herself up. Ava rises hastily to settle her back down.

"Yes, punishment. Nothing serious though, just confinement," the black-haired woman adds quickly, nudging Raven back into a more comfortable position. "They found out that she helped those kids to escape."

"Finn, Bellamy and the others?" Raven asks, her heart in her throat.

"Are those their names?" Ava questions pleasantly, scooping up the damp rag to place it gently on Raven's forehead. "Yes, them. Abigail should be back soon. He's got a soft spot for her, he has."

She doesn't bother to question who 'he' is, only settling back down with a heavy sigh.

"Did they escape?" she corrects herself quickly, swallowing. "I mean, did anybody find them? Are they back?"

Ava gives her a sympathetic look, picking up the basin and resting it under her arm. "I'm afraid not, dear. I'm sorry. It must be hard, know that they could have been safe here. I'll see what I can do about organising a make-shift funeral, shall I?"

Raven resists the heavy urge to smile. Ava's got totally the wrong idea. Finn and Bellamy will be in more danger out there, that's for sure. But they're used to the land. They've survived for this long on their own, they can do it again. They'll find the others.

"It's okay," she says instead. "I don't think funerals will be needed."

She turns her head away to hide her smile.

...

It's days later when Abby finally appears. Raven smiles at the older woman.

"Welcome back."

Abby looks fine, if a tad bit thin. Looks like Ava was right - they do have a soft spot for her. In her hands, she holds two sturdy sticks. Raven looks over them suspiciously, not feeling the slightest bit reassured when the woman smiles kindly at her.

"Are you ready to try walking?"

It's then that sudden fear strikes her heart, and she shakes her head slowly. "I can't.." She's afraid. Afraid that her legs won't work all of a sudden, and she'll crumple to the ground and become crippled. Scared that she's going to fall to the floor and never get back up again.

"You can," Abby insists firmly. The look that she sports reminds her of Clarke. "And you will. The only other option is lying in this bed for the rest of your life and being afraid. And I didn't operate on you just so you could waste this opportunity."

Raven stays silent for a long moment, surprised by Abigail's sudden intensity. She'd always known the other woman could be fierce, but..

As if reading her mind, Abby's features soften. "You're one of the bravest people I know, Raven. It's a miracle you survived. Don't let that go to waste." She holds out the sticks to her expectantly. "You'll have to go through therapy sessions. Are you ready?"

Raven accepts the makeshift crutches with a tiny nod. "Yeah."

...

It's difficult. So, so difficult. And it hurts. Sends spikes of pain of her spine every time she tries a stupid flexing exercise or moves around. The first time she tried, she crumpled to the floor and almost ripped her stitches. The first time, she cried.

The second time was no more successful. But she didn't cry. She soldiered on. Because that was what Raven did. She soldiered on, through and for anything.

On the fifth day of therapy and failed stretches, she starts to cry and gives up. Abby places a hand on her shoulder.

"You're brave, Raven. You're a soldier. Keep soldiering on."

So she does. And it turns out that soldiering works, because after weeks, she starts to improve. Slowly and gradually, but she does improve. She can stretch properly now, and it doesn't hurt so much to move around. Sometimes she trains herself. Abby is busy with other patients and duties. Raven isn't a top priority. She never has been. Not to her family, not to her friends. Not even to herself, not really.

When she can walk around the room with crutches and human support, she smiles. She resists the urge to cry, because that's not very strong of her, but she thinks about it.

When she takes her first step without any support at all, she really does cry. She breaks down into tears of relief, and covers it up with jokes and sarcastic comments to make her seem stronger.

...

Raven's not scared anymore. She's still young, she still went through a traumatic surgery. But now she sees something she didn't before. The light at the end of the tunnel. Hope. _Salvation_.

And maybe that salvation isn't some sort of God descending down onto the Earth to give them cookies and make everything better. Maybe _she's_ supposed to be the salvation. Save herself, save the others.

When she realises this, she confronts Abby. Alone, in privacy. The senior woman smiles and places a rifle into her hand before she even says anything.

"You're going after them, aren't you?"

Raven frowns at her, slightly confused. "How'd you know?"

Abby only smiles knowingly. "I think I knew the moment you chose to have that surgery. Raven, you're brave. You're a soldier, remembering?"

"Mechanic, actually," Raven corrects, but she's grinning.

"Yes," Abby nods, chuckling slightly. She presses a few bullet rounds into Raven's palm and digs around for an empty backpack. "The point is, you're brave. You remind me of Clarke, you know."

"Clarke?" That takes her by surprise.

"Yeah. All of you are so incredibly brave." Abby stuffs some provisions into the pack and holds it out with a warm look. "That's why I'm letting you guys go. Because you know what you're doing, and you're brave."

Raven accepts the bag with a thankful nod. It's then that she realises everything the older woman has done for her, and she pauses. "Thanks. For everything."

Abby only smiles. "Go save them, huh?"

As Raven sneaks out of camp that night, she realises something.

Raven Reyes is not scared. She is brave.


End file.
